Mean Girls
Why relational aggression is not a you problem.
One of the most toxic forms of bullying is talking about a person like they’re not there (in the third person) right in front of them.
This behavior is called relational aggression, and it’s designed to make the person being talked about feel excluded. Which is weird because I was literally excluding myself from their group before they started doing it. This behavior is intentionally rude and dismissive. The parties involved are trying to hurt the other person’s feelings and make them feel like “the problem,” most likely because they felt slighted when the other person stopped playing their social games.
People really get hurt when they think you are rejecting them, and yet we get told we have RSD. This social aggression results from others feeling excluded. The reality is that their behavior was likely a defense mechanism stemming from bruised egos. I opted out of the social games, so they lashed out in aggression because they felt rejected. Sorry losers, it’s not my job to make you feel OK about being fake and petty. That’s on you.
So, in opting out of a relationship with a frenemie, I inadvertently triggered social aggression from a small group of “mean girls”. I think that bullying in adults needs to be talked about more often because I think few people truly understand the mechanism of this petty exclusionary behavior. It’s clear that those who engage in it are truly miserable human beings who lack the capacity to connect authentically. Their shallowness bleeds out into petty remarks rather than taking the time to actually get to know each other and support one another authentically, and while this is sad, it’s a not my circus, not my monkeys moment. I would rather have fewer friends but have real friends than have lots of acquaintances who will throw me under the bus, so to speak, the moment I bruise their ego because I missed something like a social cue, or worse, I chose my own peace. How exhausting it must be to rely on group dynamics to feel OK about yourself.
